Journal Entry #4 04-08-17
I wish you knew just how badly your words hurt. The amount of love I have for you, doesn’t erase the hurt and pain you bring to my heart when you use your words as knives. I understand that everyone has their own opinions of homosexuality, and that you’re entitled to feel as you wish.
However, there’s a certain level of respect that should be presented regardless of how you feel. I find it so damn frustrating how you can sit there and speak such harshness about someone you supposed to love unconditionally. You have no idea the power of your words. You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide because of the opinions and degradation of the likes of you!
It’s crazy to me how you had absolutely no problem accepting food from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting funds from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting household items from me, when you didn’t have it. HOWEVER YOU HATE ME SO MUCH. Why continue to accept things from such a low life person as my self? Why continue to reach your hand out to accept anything form such a vile ass person like me?
Yet, you wonder why I stay away from you. You wonder why I don’t ask you for things. ( Even though I already know that you will tell me no anyway the cut goes) You wonder what is it that I despise of you that makes me walk on by when I see you.
Tell me this. Why should I speak to someone who degrades every person that participates in the love that you don’t understand? Why should I speak to someone who holds private (no so private) conversations about not just me, but others as well? Why should I want to remain around such a person that constantly speaks negativity when I’m already facing the lowest of odds?
This is why I stay away. If you can sit there and hold a 3 hour conversation calling people whom I don’t even care about to discuss me. I would hate to see what you say about me when I’m really not around. If you can sit there and use every degrading word there is to offend a member of the LGBTQ community, why would I honestly think you have some kind of love for me?
There’s never been a moment in my life when I’ve hated you so much than I do right now! I’m elated that now I’m to a point where your words don’t have the same weight as they did before. I’m so done with your kind. You could have been the reason I died years ago. You could have been the reason why I would sit here and end my life now. But I’m so much stronger than that. And I’m hella-grateful for the strength I have now and the person I have become that no longer gives a damn about you nor your ignorance.
You disgust me!
Journal Entry #3 03-02-2017
I love everything you are to me. I love you as my solitude. Always being the one to create such a solid atmosphere of support and solidarity.
I love you as my rock; The most substantial part of my life in an array of ways unknown to the world. The one who has often been the boulder I’ve hidden behind but you’ve been my protector from many storms.
I love you as my friend. You have been able to get me to open up in ways I would have never imagined. You have been there through thick and thin. There have been times over and over again where I didn’t deserve your friendship. But being the truest of true, you continued to wipe my tears, pushed me to face my fears, and held my hand through ALL life’s disappointments.
I love you as my chosen one. You are the one I’ve chosen time and time again. You’re the one I’ll probably always choose because you’ve constantly chosen me. Mainly it’s because of who you are to me.
I love you as my helpmeet. Together we’ve conquered wars un-foretold, and battled the worst times unforeseen. Together we’ve built a mountain of love and joy that can’t be unseen. We’ve created such chemistry that won’t wither. You’ve held me up and I you, that’s exactly what true helpmates do.
I love you for you! Everything about you resonates so deeply within me its hard to describe. There’s never a day that passes by I don’t thank the creator for perfectly blending you with your flaws and perfections that make you imperfectly perfect for me.
I love you unconditionally for the love you’ve shown to me. Even in the worst of times, your love still holds me.
I love you as my wife. The person I’ll forever cherish and share an abundant life. I’ll love you forever and never think twice. ❤
Thank you for all you are to me!
Journal entry #2. 12-14-16
How do we learn to love, live, let go, and live again? How can we put together an adequate sequence of love facets that make sense?
How do we know when love has taken every ounce of hope you have left? How do we know when there’s yet more to give?
I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as we have these questions, there’s hope. As long as we wonder about love, there’s room for more. As long as there’s that someone who makes you wonder and gives you the desire to love more, there’s an adequate love sequence to be connected correctly.
Journal entry #1. 12-06-16
Sometimes life can be such a drag. I mean emotionally, life has got me wrapped around her finger. Slowly unraveling me only to twist me tighter.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m suffocating here in the sweaty coils of life’s thick finger. What did I do you, pretty lady?
Is it that I sometimes forget just how kind you’ve been to me? Or is it that I may frequently forget how you’ve used those obese fingers of yours to pluck some folks and things away? Is it because I along with society take you for granted all too many times?
Is it because all of us here have become selfishly ungrateful? To simply be able to have you is rare. There are so many who are merely hashtags in the winds of yesterday and yet we forget to humble ourselves with gratitude.
This morning I’m pausing my usual selfish rant. To say Thank you. Thank you for being you. I’m honored to still call you friend.